Dealing with the backlash from the painful secrets that harm Black families
“Those secrets that our families do not discuss keep us stuck in cycles of pain. Show me a family that has a lot of drama and I will bet you there are some secrets that are bottled up that have passed down generational hurts.” Nijiama Smalls The Black Girl’s Guide to Healing Emotional Wounds Chapter 3 Family Secrets
Keys to Keeping Peace Within Families:
- Family doesn’t always mean Friendship– Because we are family, we may not be friends and certainly not best friends. Those differences may show up in the times we are the most vulnerable. Family shows up when it feels right for them and out of obligation, friends show up out of compassion.
- Having Hard Conversations Saves Relationships- In our families, many of us have been taught to sweep our offenses and traumas under the rug, so to speak, by not talking about them. Therefore, sharing our hurts and heart with someone may feel uncomfortable or like drama even. As mature adults, we should be able to tell someone that they have hurt us and we must be able to receive when someone shares how we have hurt them. We must be able to do so without our defenses involved or with arrogance but in a way that restores the person and assures them they are loved.
“I didn’t know that the man who lived two houses down from us with his wife and children was my father. He was 12 years older than my mother and she was 14 years when she got pregnant. He watched us every day from afar but never said a word to me nor told me he was my father.”
These are the words spoken to me by a woman in her 50s who I met at a retreat. These are the secrets our families tend to keep.
Shame
Low-Self Esteem
Anger
Blame
These are some of the emotions attached to harmful family secrets.
Often people keep secrets because they feel it protects a loved one or themselves. They believe it is an escape from being criticised or judged for their actions or behavior. It has nothing to do with the people they hide the truth from but everything to do with their self-preservation.
Compassion is the best tool to help deal with exposed family secrets. Resist the desire to resent the person who kept the secret. Lording it over there head or resentment is never someone kept a secret that harmed you please use compassion to heal. f the secret itself is hurtful to you practice these steps with your therapist or coach.
1. Resist the desire to fight to change the situation
2. Accept that it has happened with your entire being
3. Write in your journal how you would think, feel, and behave if you fully accepted it
4. Begin to act on what you wrote down until it becomes reality.
5. Embrace the feelings such as sadness and guilt that come along with this
6. Acknowledge that the pain is temporary and life is still worth living
Place Your Family on the Road to Emotional Healing
It is time for our families to become emotionally whole! Get the family together and heal. With chapters on topics such as:
- Parenting Wounds
- Childhood Abandonment and Neglect
- Church Hurt
- The Wounds of Time Lost
- Abuse
- And much more
With questions at the end of each section, this book will benefit every member of the family.
