Love with Detachment
One of the most freeing principles I have learned is love with detachment/detached love. If only I had learned this principle a lot earlier in my life, it would have prevented lots of grief and heartache. Here is why love with detachment is important; Often, when we are in relationships, we assign a title and along with the title comes our expectations of how that person is supposed to behave or perform. This is where the drama comes into play because sometimes a person doesn’t have the same expectations. Take, for example, a husband may assume that his wife should prepare a home-cooked meal every night, never take girls’ trips, and tend to the house. The wife, on the other hand, may not share the same beliefs about her role and this is where friction is created.
There are also times when a person who holds a title is simply unable to perform the expectations assigned to that role. In my case, I have family members suffering from substance addictions and friends coping with severe mental health disorders who can’t meet the common expectations of their role. This caused me some heartache until I learned about detached love and how powerful it is. Here are the keys to detached love:
- Setting boundaries– Setting boundaries is essential to detached love. Boundaries will protect our hearts and our resources. For example, you may decide not to have long conversations with them or to keep conversations at the surface level.
- Let go of expectations– Expect nothing from them! Do not expect them to attend Thanksgiving dinner, do not expect them to pay you back the money they owe from 1992, and do not expect them to apologize or call you often. This prevents you from getting hurt and when they do show up it’s a pleasant surprise.
- Respond in new ways- Instead of taking things personally, just accept that that is where they are in life. This doesn’t mean you put up with disrespect, but instead, you are allowing them to be who they want to be without it causing you harm.
- Do not provide unsolicited advice- Providing advice requires an investment of your time and energy. It also invests you in their outcomes. Do not tell them what they should or shouldn’t do. Don’t obsess or work hard to solve their problems. Let them figure things out for themselves.
Please understand that detached love is freedom! By detaching, you are allowing them the freedom to be who they want to be and to make their own choices. You are protecting your peace and sanity while still loving the person. Not only are you setting them free, but you are also freeing yourself from allowing them to hold you emotionally hostage.
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Love you, sis!
Nij