A few years ago, I was in a group of about 6 women friends. We would talk often, meet for lunch or coffee and, take turns hosting girls’ nights in our homes. We confided in each other sharing advice and encouragement while we celebrated our special moments together. We were indeed friends.
Along the way, things changed within our friendship circle. The conversations became whispers such as:
She said this or that about you.
XYZ hasn’t been a good friend to me.
I’m so mad at her.
She said something and it rubbed me the wrong way.
I began noticing lots of miscommunication and offenses internalized, while grudges were held tightly. Text message screenshots were revealed, and shade was now a part of our daily conversations. Eventually, the group of friends imploded and dismantled.
What stood out was that we were God-fearing professional women in our 30s and 40s, yet we allowed our unhealed wounds and toxic behavior to take over and destroy our relationships. These weren’t just any friends; we were all so close that we trusted each other with our secrets and to care for our children.
My husband asked me during that time, “What is your definition of friendship and do these ladies meet that?” Friendship trauma starts with each of us. Often we assign people the title of friend before they prove to us that they know how to do friendships well.
I also believe many of us do not understand how to keep our friendships healthy. Eliminating gossip, avoiding assumptions, and having hard conversations upfront is how we maintain quality friendships.
Often because we want to avoid conflict we allow silence to reign when we disagree which is also the behavior I brought into my marriage with Shamon. Silence doesn’t resolve problems it only exacerbates them. As adults, at our big ages, we must normalize having hard conversations regardless of how uncomfortable they can be.
Finally, I believe true friendship like any other relationship requires lots of grace, vulnerability, and forgiveness. You see, typically we are allured by the good qualities of a person. However, every one of us has flaws and when they rear their heads we may feel disappointed or annoyed. I’ve learned that how we handle the flaws of others gives us a glimpse of how we feel about the flaws within ourselves. This is why it’s so important to heal.
At this stage in my life, I say often to all of my genuine friends,
“I am human and will disappoint you. Please let me be the first to know when I disappoint you.”
We discuss this and so much more in our new book The Black Family’s Guide to Healing Emotional Wounds. Grab the book, give a copy to your spouse or friend and write us a review.
Please encourage the men in your life to read this as this is healing for ALL. Let’s Go!!!!