Managing conflict with grace, class, and growth.

Have you ever looked back at a past fallout and said to yourself, “I should have handled that differently?”

If we are in a relationship with someone, conflict will occur- it happens all of the time. It’s how we handle conflict that matters. The problems arise when situations occur that we’ve never experienced, didn’t expect, or hurt deeply. Those are the times that cause us to react out of hurt feelings. Then there are times when we experience a fallout, and our mind relates it to a past situation that feels similar. This unleashes the resentment from the past hurt and unhealed emotional wounds that can lead to violence. This is what causes us to raise our voice, pop off, lash out, and curse out.

Truth is, many of us haven’t been given the proper tools to navigate uncomfortable situations and conflict. So we rely on tools we saw growing up in our families, which can be toxic, such as quietly holding a grudge, lashing out, cursing out, fighting, or gossiping about it. Then there are the times when we don’t know what to do, or it just feels too uncomfortable for us, so we shut down. I’ve used all of these and can tell you they are the wrong ways to handle conflict.

Being an adult means handling conflict directly in a way that heals, restores, and matures.

Here are healthy tools to help navigate conflict like a BOSS!

1. Change your Perspective– When I hear someone say, “we’ve never had a disagreement,” I know then that the relationship they are referencing is very surface-level, which is fine. Deep relationships, on the other hand, allow us to see each other’s quirks and flaws. There are feelings present in close relationships, and when feelings exist, friction will occur. Often we’ve been raised to view conflict as a bad thing. Conflict doesn’t equal drama; it’s the way we handle it that causes the chaos. Conflict is healthy and a natural part of relationships because it means that we are close. It means you care and have given them access to your heart.
2. Look for Opportunities in Conflict– One of my closest friends asked me to help her coordinate her little sister’s wedding. On the day of the wedding, we bumped heads. Although we spent time planning before the event, we didn’t discuss how she and I would hand off responsibilities. I had assumed I would be handling all the logistics, i.e., MCing, seating, etc. But on the day of, she wanted to be more hands-on. Although we didn’t exchange words, the tension was palpable. The next few days after the wedding, there was silence between the two of us. She sent me an email thanking me for my service and how grateful she was for my support and friendship. That ended the conflict; however, what remained was new information. We both now had a deeper understanding of each other than we had before. Also, we had survived a conflict that may have been the ending of the friendship for others.
3. Never use Text– The minute a conversation starts to feel intense, or I see several long paragraphs in a text message, I immediately pick up the phone or FaceTime. Text messaging can make conflict worse. People often add tone to text that may not be present. It can be easy to misread and misinterpret when emotions are high and auto-correct typos do not help.
4. Go Directly to the Source– This is my golden rule, so to speak. Go directly to the person with whom you have conflict. Engage in the conversation without accusations or allegations, but arm yourself with humility and vulnerability, stating the facts and how it made you feel or impacted you. Leave out assumptions about the person’s intentions and ask questions such as: “Can you explain what you meant when you said XYZ? “Help me understand your perspective because I don’t see it?” “What would you have liked for me to have done differently?” These questions disarm and facilitate healthy dialogue. In the same token, be open when someone comes to you for a one-on-one conversation. This requires courage and the emotional maturity to sit in the discomfort and awkward feelings that may be present, but if you value the person and the relationship, you will rise to the occasion.
5. Manage your Expectations– Often we go into one-on-one conversations expecting apologies or some sort of admittance of wrongdoing to make us whole. We have to be prepared in the event we do not receive the acknowledgement. It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid but they may not be able to see their part right now, and that’s ok. Be comfortable with agreeing to disagree.
6. Give the Benefit of the Doubt– Sometimes friction occurs because we assume the worst of a person’s intentions. In our mind, we believe they meant us harm, but that may not be the case. Sometimes people make mistakes; sometimes people are truly doing the best they can, and that can cause us harm, but it doesn’t mean that was the intent. If we love someone, we believe the best about them until they prove without a doubt otherwise.
7. Resist the Need to Gossip– We all have a person we vent to about our frustrations, but venting can quickly turn to gossip, and that makes matters worse. This is why it’s important to have a one-on-one conversation quickly so that lingering feelings and unanswered questions will not prevail. How to know when it’s gossip?
   • When the person we are talking to doesn’t provide us with objective advice or help us to resolve it in a healthy manner.
   • The conversation would hurt the person’s feelings if they heard it.
   • Slander is involved.
   • The conversation is one-sided.
   • The conversation incites negative feelings.
8. Simply Forgive– Forgiveness doesn’t mean the person was not wrong or that we have to reconcile with them. It means we accept that everything happened the way it was supposed to and that we grew from it. It means that we don’t need closure, or will spend time analyzing the details of what happened, or feel the need to rehash it. We’ve let it go. Forgiveness has entered the room when we see the person and have no ill feelings towards them. We can be indifferent towards them and have embraced forgiveness. True forgiveness is power because they no longer live inside of our emotions and cause us to act out– it’s the most peaceful part of this process.